| "Dear Mum, I'm writing to tell you about the amazing | | | | waffled on about being busy and having a whole day |
| things that have been happening to me since I arrived | | | | of cleaning in front of him, before vanishing into the |
| in Australia. Last week I went on a bush tucker trip into | | | | kitchen to look busy. She followed him. "You are going |
| the outback, where an Aboriginal man showed us how | | | | to buy my Tampax?" she asked, calling him through |
| to extract the worms out of black boys and eat them | | | | the open door. "I do need them urgently you know!" |
| ..." | | | | Our intrepid host asked her to get them herself, and if |
| This extract from a letter written by an English tourist | | | | she insisted he could reimburse her. She got cross, and |
| to his very English mother nearly caused an | | | | followed him from room to room as he cleaned. |
| International incident, and underlines nicely why I'm so | | | | Eventually they arrived in the guest lounge room |
| fond of the English language. | | | | where the conversation turned into an argument, one |
| 'Mum' had a panic attack. First she called as many | | | | which the other guests were following with interest. |
| Australian Backpackers hostels as she could find, | | | | "I want my 'tampax' tomorrow at the latest " she |
| followed quickly by a call to the local police station to | | | | stormed, "I'm going camping." |
| inform Interpol about the diabolical deeds being done | | | | Our host stopped and looked at his assailent |
| down under. Minutes later she was on the phone to | | | | desperately. "I don't care if you're going skiing" he said, " |
| British Airways booking the quickest departure to "right | | | | I wont replace them. I'm sorry they were mislaid, but |
| now!" She was going to put a stop to this barbaric | | | | you probably used or lost them yourself!" |
| ritual, rescue her son from this Antipodean nightmare | | | | He did a Basil Faulty and disappeared up the stairs at |
| and ensure the perpetrators of this awful crime were | | | | a rigid gallop. |
| put behind bars for ever. | | | | She followed him again. |
| The lovely thing about English is that it can mean many | | | | After giving him a verbal battering in Swedish she |
| things to many people, and her interpretation of 'black | | | | disappeared, reappearing at tea time and introducing |
| boys' was merely different to ours. Her images were | | | | herself to the rest of the guests. She turned to her |
| unlike ours too, and caused her sleepless nights | | | | host and told him she'd managed to find some more |
| clutching the pillow and hanging on to her amused | | | | 'tampax', so there was no need for him to bother. He |
| husband. Not those kind of black boys you see. | | | | told her curtly he was glad, before she dropped the |
| When it was explained that blackboys were rugged | | | | bombshell and asked to borrow a hammer so she |
| Australian bush plants, the lady in question was most | | | | could" Bang them in." |
| indignant. "What a stupid name for a tree" she | | | | He looked at her very closely, saw the glint in her eyes |
| blustered. "Ooh, when I think what those nasty men | | | | and fetched the hammer. |
| were doing to my Derek!" | | | | Curiosity overcame him though, when handing it over. |
| It's difficult enough when it's English TO the English. A | | | | "Why a hammer?" he stammered, mental images |
| Swedish lady complained bitterly one day to a local | | | | queuing up for a turn. |
| proprietor that her 'tampax' had been stolen from her | | | | "So the tent doesn't fall down silly" she said, and |
| room. Not wishing to appear phased by this revelation | | | | skipped off to bed. |
| the kind host apologised and said he'd try and find | | | | It had taken a whole day to dawn on him. She wanted |
| them. | | | | tent pegs, not 'tampax'. |
| This wasn't good enough. The Swedish guest insisted | | | | Such a little slip of the tongue, but the host was |
| he go out and buy her some more 'tampax'. After all, | | | | immensely glad he hadn't succumbed and bought the |
| they'd been stolen in his establishment, so it was his | | | | nice lady a packet of 'tampax'. Her tent would have |
| responsibility to replace them. Beginning to panic he | | | | blown away. |